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for the past few nights my thoughts have found there way to my ex and then to a guy i haven't hurt from in almost a month.

I feel like my mind is tossing me about and i can't take it.

I feel sick when i try to get out of bed, like i am not suppose to move.

I hate this feeling and i want off this crazy ride.

So today i am hiding out in the open, since i know my fuck buddy wants nothing to do with me since i drank from his friend.

And i know my ex has started over with someone else... even if my dreams tell me other wise.

I will try to rebuild my body- to a better metal than before. wish me luck

I have tried several times to get into the industry of my dreams. Which is writing, yet i have had little luck in finding an agent to help me. And I fear that my life long dream maybe nothing more than a hobby that will soon be more than anothe rone one of my many useless talents.

So i have come this stage of looking for an agent. Begging- or in my case, asking anyone that looks over my journal to leave me a small lead to an litaray agency that works with writers in the eroctica and adult fiction genre.

I will in turn will thank you and rate anything that you ask of me,

Thnak you for your help.

my life is straighting out and all around me things seem to fall apart. And i realize that their something wanting me to fall to kneess for it, when i know it is evil.

I know this may sound weird but i think my nana's church is a cult.

How can i say this is when there have been several people that have left that church and died becuase the people their prayed for it.

And hiw that want all women that have children out of wedlock to go before the church and say they are sorry for not being married when they had sex.

Which i find to be bullshit- like how they prayed ofr me to break up with the guy i have my whole heart too.

He was my other half so i thought - and i was ready to get married in a white dress.

* sighs* me in white is like wanting me to kill on the day. lol

Yet i wanted to do this with that oine person, only to have that go down hill. Because the church prayed for it.

* smirks wickedly* which is why i pray everyday for them to all fall.

Today i hope to see my buddy and his friend, so i can go and play pool. It's sad that i know he will only showup if he thinks his going to get some. And yet i still hope he will show because i want to play pool.

But i know he won't show up fior two reasons.

I want to tell him that i want to seriously date his best friend and the second is his not getting anything out of it.

* sighs*

I think i should just do want i normally do and this hang out at my safe place and rate people here on the rave.

much clown love

well once morei pick up my pen to write down how i feel. And find my self in my favorite place surrounded my books and computers.

Thinking about how i don't have a job or a place to call my own, yet when it starts to rain i will forget it all . * smirks*

Like smoking a big blunt all at once, and it will all feel better.

Still i find myself wondering if i did the right thing to feed off of my buddy's friend.

* smirks as i lick my lips*

yet i was hungry and i tried to keep m,y biting habit a secret but i couldn't any longer.

I had been taking small bites out of my buddy over the six times we have met up, and he gets tired after i bite him.

And yet after biting his friend i wanted more.

* Sighs* i like the taste of blood in my mouth and i had that yesterday. It felt really good to me to feel blood droplets in my mouth. And to hear the sounds of him whimper as i bite him.

I want to straddle him, to hold him down as i drank, but i had to let go.

* blushes*

i was in someone else's home.

today i found out that my old vampire freaks account was still active. Yet i haven't been there in awhile. So i plan to see if i can post a link for it here and vis vera.

I have a friend who is nothing but a fuck bubby and we both know that it it just for sex that we even speak to each other.

And he has a friend who i like and who likes the same things as i do. Yet i know that it would be wrong to go after his friend when i am screwing him.

Still i want to...

write more later

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BellaMuun
14:21 Mar 24 2009

If you guys have that kind of arrangement, then he shouldn't get angry if you choose another...

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After hearing a words for god yesterday i went back home to find that sicker things in the world happen.

Like two guy raping a 2month old baby- who they where supposed to be watching as part of there daycare business.

And what got to me is that the american public let this happen and get mad AFTER it happenes while they won't let two very happy men or women get married to each other before it happens.

And they believe with all there hearts that being straight is what we are all meant to be.

And yet these sick people get to live there lives - and get away with this shit until someone reports them in.

* sighs *

i felt outrage to say something to someone- well more like to talke a gun and go shooting any itiot for looking at a kid wrong.

But then i would be put in jail for doing what so many people want to do to every rapist in t his damn country. For making there lives hell.

And i think even those people that have turned their lives over to God wouldn't mind shotting the SOB that made it hard for them to have a relationship with someone with out feeling wierd.

I was waiting for a friend to come and get me to play pool. When out of the blue a woman comes up to me and starts to ask me about God.

I told her what i knew and that i went back to my pervious religion of wiccan.

I don't know why but that all ways think i say wicked when i say that, but i talked to her and listened to what she had to say about God.

I understand God, i respected God but i can't love GOd.

I don't even love my self that well to love him.

So how the hell am i suppose to believe that.

* sighs*

I use to when i was younger but as i got older i found that not to many people cared about me that way i thought - i al so found that it was okay if i didn't give a fuck what happened to me. Life would find a way to get me out... well not life, but pure faith.

That i can say i believe and love is pure faith.

I have faith in Luna and all the Gods and Goddesses that i know. And even ig God is over them all- so be it.

I would rather belive in several Gods and come up with a bullshit answeer than nothing at all.

So much to say and so little time to say it in.

I am glad to say that i have a job on monday. I thank all the gods and goddess above for that.

But now i am trying to find a balance in the things that i have done before the job., Do i let it all fall away and focus on the job or make people aware of my missing.

I am good at disappearing but, i like it here and would hate to vanish with out telling others. So i guess that this is my warning.

I may not be on line for a few days until i know when i get a day off from work.

A boring day, made in to a rush. I don'tknow what it is about this one guy but ever time i get a text from him my heart pounds like i just ran in a race.

I can't even make heads or tails of what he wants from me.

I think at times, it's just to be friends and then it's all about sex.

* sighs*

the first honest guy to ever cross my path that doesn't think of my completely as one of the boys and i am comfused.

I want to keep him at arms length because i get lost in --- i don't know what to call it.

*sighs* Luna help me , before i end up smiling from ear to ear again.

Good Master

You actually care about your pets! You are kind and understand but not someone to be taken lightly. When you give an order your pets are more then happy to do as you say. You have power and know how to use it.



The Funny Guy!

Your ideal guy is the Funny Guy! He loves to make you laugh and giggle. He is confident knowing that you are there but will often not say it enough. However your private jokes are not forgotten, he still thinks you're a total star.



spike

fit!!!!!! hez a vampire- obv



Evil Vampire

lucky you you got the coolest of them all the evil vampire you dont care what people say and dont care if you get cought all you want to do is eat

Something is eating at me to tell the people around me. Who say they care about me and want to see me do alright.

Well theose that i call my friends already know what is wrong with me- i want to get the hell out of here, or at least have someone at my side to make it seem somewhat better for me.

Yet those that are blood related to me only see me as a child that can't do anything with out them watching me. They fear i will end up dead because of the risks that i take.

Most of which i can say, i am lucky to get around and i thank God for giving me that.

Yet i am still alone and feel that those around me are dying slowly.

I have stopped talking to and being around my grandmother because i feel that she is getting cold to the touch.

I have had this feeling before and i found out later that my father's mother was dying and in a hospice. Waiting to pass.

* sighs* i feel this way now and i want to be away from her as much as i can, yet becuase everyone else is trying to be around her. They think i am avoiding her. How i want to tell them that i feel her soul fading yet they would just lookat me with hatred or beat me down for what i feel.

Which wouldn't be the first time, so i keep my comments to myself but i have a faint feeling they know it too. They just don't wnat to admit it.

So many thing going through my mind. Like when i will get my apartment and when i will finally get out of this hell.

I have come to understand that there is no happiness for me but in the moment and not with someone forever like i had hoped.

Still i feel better know that i can love- just not for along period of time.

I feel almost not human but how can that be when i am not human. I feel so lost at times but i know there is something guiding me. Yet i still don't know where it is leading me and i am stubborn, and iam trying not to go so easily for i fear it is to the sloughter like so many others before me.

weak in mind, i betrayed my body.

I had another i counter with a man that has never left my mind since the frist times we had been together.

Last night once more disappointed, he left happy to know that his dreams although not is need to cum will be fullfilled.

While i sit here even now with a slight headache and small black outs.

* sighs* Damn is all i can say because i have never met a guy like this before. Maybe because the others were all liers and the one honest guy i sleep with and i end up crying.

Somehing that has never happened to me before in my life- stunned by this i call the sexual part of our relationship off and we are now understanding friends.

A month ago i was talking to a guy who i thought would help me end my boredom. But i ended up getting drunk and have a fling. Something i am use to having but not with a guy that after a bad screrw starts to bag on me.

So i kept my piece and moved on with my life. I deleted his friends request with me and moved on.

And today i find that he sent me and email asking if i was stioll mad at what he did.

I wrote him back, because i know it's his friends playing around with me.

And that before long is going to get me pissed.

COMMENTS

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Angelus
23:42 Mar 18 2009

.. to end boredom, seek positive distraction, please.

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I checked out my slaking list and it says that i am being stalked by three people. One i know the other two - i don't .

And it makes me wonder who could be stalking me.

And if they read this, plz tell me who you are.

I would like to know so i can rate you or at least add you to my friends list.

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Oceanne
19:28 Mar 18 2009

Hah! THAT is part of the fun ..To keep those you stalk in suspense.Get a PM,then you will find out.

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I can't get mt laptop back and i am pissed. I have had it up to here with everyone around me bitchy about the things that they can change. But yet they would rather complain about it. And the things that they cant change they just toss that in for pity sake.

Today i felt like jsut taking my hachet and sword out and just killing everyone that i have heard complain since i have been back here in hell.

And at some point i would get to myself because i have started to join in with this nonstop pity party people and i am flipping out.

But my saving grace was coming to the libray only to find that soon they will be putting a new system because people have been doing stupid shit.

I was glad to sit down and log in to find that i have an interview tomorrow and that changed my mood a bit.

I am still pissed that i don't have my laptop back and that they people who have it after a few days will tear off my stickers and resell the thing , since i had to get the whole thing wiped clean and started over.

LOL

you know that saying where a little boy is told a story by his grandfather about two wolves. One with hatred and all the bad things of life and then another with all the good things.

And the little boy askes his grandfather which one of this wolves will win?

The old man says the one that you feed.

Well i think that those wolves need to be defined more, becuase i use to think that Tara Canno my other self was the wolf that was evil, only to find that i miss her so much. And to be called her when she's no longer a part of me. Make me want to cry and today i met some one who knows me by that name.

I answered proudly and happily to that name- because even t hough to others she has done nothing but evil. She was the one that shown me all the things i thought where evil where fun and part of me.

Then i remembered that no soul - like hers dies, it's just reborn.

* smiles wickedly*

I am not in to to drama and i got rolled in to some. I already feel bad about failing my nympho side and then to have someone send me text messages and play around with me at night.

I am pissed and i am judt not up for getting evern with this person right now.

But io know karma will handle them because i am not going to fuck up my inner piece to get even with a guy that stil... a baby.

I feel cursed like no other. Since Tara died i feel like sex isn't on my mind. More of finding that one, and sex comes after. But a few nights ago , i felt more like myself with her at my side.

And then last night - felt like i was a big ass, i felt l ike I failed.

I hate that feeling after he dropped me off i could do nothing but feel horrible.

I still feel bad.

The begining of this week started off well, i got my laptop and was very happy.

I read my tarot and it said that going out with friends was best. So wheni got a message to go to a house warming party to hear a band i jumped up and ran.

Got to meet the guy and his friends, and it was going well. Then heard some unneeded words and plans got changed to just cruising around town with a bottle and some bud.

* smirks wickedly*

This was fun, i got wasted and got to walk down the canal here with a few people talking.

Then went nack to his house to find the rest of this friends came to him for a party.

Smoked and danced to Icp most of the night, then went home a very happy girl

today is the first day that i have had my laptop and i am happy, but that's on the outside. Inside my heart is mourning the part of me that was evil and i can't get back. And my thoughts of sex go started to Lance, and i wake up wondering why is he thinking of me. For an old wives tale is that when you say that name of an ex, they are thinking of you.

but for what when i sent him all the things that he values, back as i seat in bed and build back up the broken and battered and torment parts of me heart. *sighs*

I should be use to heartach yet the more i mend the worse the next heartbreak is when i fall for another lier.